Constant

I was laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep and that is when this thought came to me. It amazes me that I have to put any effort into falling asleep these days, but I find that once I finally get Campbell settled it sometimes takes me a few minutes to unwind. Totally out of character for me, I'm usually one to fall asleep in an instant. But anyway, I digress. So miraculously, Campbell had just gone to sleep without a fight in her pack-n-play. I think this was around 1:30 a.m. maybe? And the word "constant" just popped into my head. It really did, I don't make this stuff up. Constant. Everything about Campbell is constant to me. And that is not a negative thing. I think often the word "constant" carries a negative connotation. Like the phone is constantly ringing, that kind of thing.

But for me and my wandering thoughts in the middle of the night, constant had a whole list of meanings that started running through my head. The first was the obvious one and probably why I thought of it in the first place. Campbell requires my constant attention. Yesterday was a long day, partially because the night before had been a rough one. Travis had to work late, and I realized at about 7 p.m. yesterday that I had not done a single thing the entire day that wasn't entirely focused on taking care of Campbell. It wasn't that I necessarily minded it, it was just exhausting, and well...constant! She needed to be held, to be fed, to be changed, to be given her paci, to be entertained. She just needed me. Constantly! That is both overwhelming and beautiful at the same time. It's a huge responsibility but it comes with great joy.

The next constant that came to my mind was my worry. I worry about her constantly. And again, worry doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. I just have a constant desire to check on her, to nurture her, to make sure she is ok and happy. Even when I'm just across the room, I find myself just itching to check on her every few minutes. I lean down to hear that sweet little whisper sound she makes when she breathes in her sleep. I want to tickle her big cheeks, or let her grab my finger. I constantly worry about whether or not I'm doing everything I can for her. You only get one shot at this. Each day I have the opportunity to give her the best that I can on that day...and then that day is gone and there's a new day to tackle. Is she eating enough (ok, I'm pretty sure I can move on from that and find something new to worry about), why isn't she sleeping, does she have a tummy ache, why is she sneezing, the list goes on.

Then in my late night deep thoughts, constant had a happier, less stressful meaning for me. Campbell and her Daddy are my constants. It's really a cool feeling to have this new little family of three and realize that we are each other's constants. To know that the three of us will always be together. To know that we will all change and grow and our situation will evolve, but still...at the end of the day, there will still be me, Travis and Campbell. And probably more will be added to that list at some point, but I know for sure that I will unconditionally, CONSTANTLY love those two. That's the nicest constant I can think of. And at that, I fell asleep. :)